To help you move forward and begin to feel more grounded, I have enlisted the help of my good friend, Jennifer Sutton. Jennifer has a toolbox of practices to help you regain your sense of personal power. Some of the ideas may seem foreign but take a chance on seeing what modality or concept resonates with you. It’s a journey and you are going to get there! I believe in you and know, after seeing countless clients recover, that it’s possible to make it to the other side.
Ask yourself these questions after ending a relationship:
- Did your relationship end in chaos and pain?
- Do you blame yourself for choosing a narcissist as a partner?
- Do you tell yourself you should have known better?
- Do you doubt you’ll ever be able to choose a safe, loving relationship in the future?
You can stop worrying (especially since they say that worrying is a form of praying for what you don’t want!). There are simple steps you can take to learn how to listen to your own highest good and know what is best for you! I will share a few methods here and in future blogs! I can help you process your divorce or relationship ending.
A simple “Yes” will work wonders!
The first skill is learning to listen to your body. Most people have a place in their body where they feel a “yes” and where they feel a “no” feeling. Everyone is different, but I’ve found that everyone can identify a feeling in their body, even if it’s very very faint.
To find your “yes” place in your body, do these easy steps:
- Take a few deep breaths and just feel how your body and mind are feeling when you are in a somewhat neutral position/emotion. Feel all the normal aches, pains, tingles, whatever you have going on! This is what we will call the baseline feeling.
- Think of someone or something that you can truly say you love with all your heart – whether it’s your child, a book you read, or even a memory of a positive experience you had. Just be sure it’s a full-on LOVE feeling…then say something like, “I truly love X.” (Fill in the blank with your person/item/experience.) Notice how your body feels while you are speaking and immediately afterward. You might still feel some of the baseline aches, etc., but most likely you will ALSO feel some sort of body feeling that you can call a positive feeling.
For me, it’s a tingly feeling across my upper chest and shoulders. Another friend feels something in her cheeks – like her heart is smiling, even if her face hasn’t moved! Just notice what it is and feel it as completely as you can. This is your “yes” feeling! - Take a few minutes to let that feeling fade and return to your baseline feeling. Now, say the opposite about the person/item/experience in Step 2. Clearly, you know it’s not true, so this is just an exercise to find the feeling of “no” in your body. Say, “I hate X.” (Fill in the blank with your person/item/experience from Step 2.) Again, notice how your body feels while you are speaking and immediately afterward. You might still feel some of the baseline aches, etc., but most likely you will ALSO feel some sort of body feeling that you can call a negative feeling. For me, it’s kind of a wrenching, twisting feeling in my gut. This is your “no” feeling!
- Go back and forth and test it with as many things as you want so you learn your own “yes” and “no” feelings as clearly as you can.
- Practice using them in simple ways every day. For instance, you can say, “It’s in my highest and best to continue reading this blog.” And if your body says, “yes!” then continue reading.
- Celebrate! It is always important to celebrate each step in the process! Every time you celebrate your actions (and the outcomes), you are training your brain so that you can trust yourself again.
The key is to feel it, recognize it, and then DO what it says. If it says, “no”…stop reading and come back to this blog post another time!
Sometimes I practice this by letting my body choose my route to or from someplace I’m walking or driving. I say, “It’s in my highest and best to go left.” If I get the positive feeling, I go left! If I get the negative feeling, I turn right!
Sometimes my body takes me on a very roundabout route; if I stay curious and aware, I almost always see something I needed to see that day (a free item on the side of the road, a friendly face waving, a neighbor with a bag of tomatoes for me…whatever!). Sometimes, I don’t see why it was best to go that way, but I trust that my body had a good reason.
Like any skill you are trying to learn, it’s important to spend a little time practicing this skill every day.
An important note: Don’t ask if you aren’t going to follow your body’s advice. If you know for a fact you are going to eat that slice of double chocolate six-layer cake, don’t ask if it’s in your highest and best! If you are willing to leave it behind, go ahead and ask and see what your body says. The more you ask and actually follow your body’s advice, the stronger the feeling/message will become. If you only follow it when you like the answer, it will take a lot longer for you to get clarity and build that trust with yourself.
Eventually, you will be able to use this skill when choosing your next relationship partner. Start small, practice, and get strong with the skill, and then use it at every step of the relationship (from choosing to go on a date, to deciding if a second date is a good thing for you, etc.). It may not be clear at the beginning; it can take time to build this skill after a long time of being told you are wrong or if you feel like you’ve made a terrible mistake in the past.
Like with anything, keep practicing, keep celebrating, and keep moving toward what you really want.
You are worth it! Connect with me at www.whatifwellness.org.
